12/8/2009

I'm not sure where I'll end up with this blurb, I'm just setting out to jot down my thoughts.

So I've been really antisocial as of late, and the weird part is, it doesnt bother me at all. But I guess it not bothering me, is actually what gives me some concern, since I know this sort of imbalance isnt healthy. Honestly though, all I want to do is play the guitar. I cant even find my desire to go out and party.

At this time last year I started working on my 2009 New Years Resolutions. I made a worthy list of goals for the year, two of which were; 'Spend 30 minutes, (at least, preferably an hour), by myself everyday,' and another; 'Learn to play the guitar'. Little did I know these two would compliment one another with perfect symmetry in 2009.

I already owned an acoustic guitar as a present from xmas-past, and I picked it up in January. My friend Charlie Dobson started me out with a few chords - G, C, and D, (I think), and so it began. It was a long time (7 mos.) before I even tried to strum the thing. I would reluctantly practice moving between the chords while watching blazer games or something. At this point the guitar was definitely a chore and I one done w/ sparing regularity. Then in late February or early March a friend broke one of my strings, doing what I aspired to, actually playing it. So there my guitar sat for the next 4 months. I even remember Charlie asking me if I was 'wasting his time' - since I'd given up on the guitar so easily. I had again let something small get in my way, much like I had at other times in my life. I could say it was the string, it broke, but in reality it was me getting in my own way. (Note: I took guitar lessons when was 10/11 years old, but quit for baseball, which I then quit a few years later - dammit!)

My reason for resolving to allot alone time for myself, was a good idea. I've spent too much of my time surrounding myself with the party, or being the party. In a sense, distracting myself so I didnt have to deal with myself. Not that I was unhappy, but no matter who you are, a long hard look in the mirror can be revealing, in a good way. When we're left alone, we're never really alone, we all have that inner voice dont we? I know I do, and it's rather vocal, and, if you let it, a great mentor. That voice will ask the hard questions, it's whether or not you listen to it or the radio silence. I liken it to things we're always going to do, or have always wanted to do, but never did. Maybe it's an obscure guilty pleasure, maybe not, maybe it was a sport you werent big enough to try out for, or a girl you were too scared to ask out, or anything else. Now granted there are people who have never experienced that and do exactly what it is they want to do. Those are the lucky ones, and I happen to believe we make our own luck. If everyday you conciously make an effort at something, it will eventualy give - however I digress.

So it wasnt until sometime in June that I picked the guitar back up. Before that I'd been spending my alone time mostly writing, which oddly enough was both one of my 2009 New Years Resolutions, and what led me back to the instrument. That resolution to 'keep writing' mainly pertained to poetry. I first wrote poetry in middle school and always enjoyed it from then on. Though I never read much or wrote much in the next 10 years (a little here and there). Also, I don't think I'm a great writer by any stretch, but I enjoy expressing myself with the literary art form, and that's what it's all about - right? Anyway, I started casually writing poetry again in summer 2008 (with a broken jaw). It started mostly in jest, or I at least disguised it that way, but I enjoyed it - which is why it became an '09 resolution. Fast forward to June 6th and I'm in Corvallis for my little sisters graduation, with my notepad in hand - of course. I wrote my sister a poem for her graduation, one that I liked enough to share (this was pre-blog, which has been an anything goes platform). That night was instrumental in leading me back to the guitar as Brian Krichevsky started putting some music to a few of my poems. We stayed up late drinking and dinking around with the guitar, poems and I think a little free-styling (maybe). Days before this Charlie had put music to one of my poems and this further solidified the resonance I felt. I've always felt comfortable in my own skin, and with that comfortable being a little odd - to put it kindly. This was different though, I was getting comfortable exploring myself. It's one thing to be comfortable in your own skin, but another to go outside of that with the same confidence. Later in the summer someone asked my Mom if I was a "songwriter or a poet" and she laughed - rightfully so. But like we've been told since we were little, you can be whatever or whoever you want, and in that same vein I say; fake it till you make it. So in June I got new strings and promised myself that the rest of my summer leisure time would be spent with the guitar in hand (or nearby).  I was certain that if I did this by summers end I'd be able to play. Well I'm still learning but I can play it, now I need an intervention to stop....seriously though!

My underlying theme for 2009 was to make it the best year yet. More than that, to approach every year like that from then on out. Well time will give perspective to whether or not this year was the best, but I'm fairly certain it will be second only to 2010.

Live in the moment.

I've started shaping my 2010 New Years Resolutions, I'm sure I'll share some on here....

Mase